KFC is cruel. They are cruel because yesterday when I went to two KFC's they were both closed. They didn't want me to eat any delicious Oprah chicken. They would rather have me starve or end up at Wendy's. Just for that I am buying all of my mother's day chicken at Popeye's.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stuff White People Like
So there is this really clever and funny website called Stuff White People Like. I have kind of wanted to do my own swpl for a while and today I had a moment of brilliance in which I realized what to write about.
Stuff White People Like: Soup
There is no food dish more boring than soup. It's just some hot water with nasty-ass vegetables and maybe some okay-tasting meat partially dissolved in it. Soup is actually so lame that there is a terrible series of books that is popular among white people (many who are women), named after chicken noodle soup AKA the whitest soup of them all. White people will generally consume chicken noodle soup while ill and may accent their whiteness by adding saltine crackers as a side dish. Another very popular soup among white people is broccoli cheddar soup, a soup often served at restaurants white people like such as TGI Friday's and Panera Bread. At Panera customers may choose to have broccoli cheddar soup in either a porcelain bowl or a bread bowl, which is exactly what it sounds like. I've never had it myself but it is highly recommended by many white people. Such recommendations must be adjusted for inflation though because of Panera's appeal to white people i.e. the fancy logos, edible bowls, and jazz music. White people get orgasms just thinking about eating broccoli cheddar soup bread browls while listening to jazz while checking their gmail on their macbooks. However, broccoli cheddar soup is a more creamy soup and therefore has more fat, which white people tend to like to dislike because it's not healthy. Therefore many white people will punish themselves for being overweight/unhealthy by eating vegetable soups or low-calorie soup from cans. White people will then discuss their least detestable low-calorie soups with each other and pretend they don't hate them in order to avoid ridicule for not liking soup because white people like to not like people who don't like stuff white people like.
Stuff White People Like: Soup
There is no food dish more boring than soup. It's just some hot water with nasty-ass vegetables and maybe some okay-tasting meat partially dissolved in it. Soup is actually so lame that there is a terrible series of books that is popular among white people (many who are women), named after chicken noodle soup AKA the whitest soup of them all. White people will generally consume chicken noodle soup while ill and may accent their whiteness by adding saltine crackers as a side dish. Another very popular soup among white people is broccoli cheddar soup, a soup often served at restaurants white people like such as TGI Friday's and Panera Bread. At Panera customers may choose to have broccoli cheddar soup in either a porcelain bowl or a bread bowl, which is exactly what it sounds like. I've never had it myself but it is highly recommended by many white people. Such recommendations must be adjusted for inflation though because of Panera's appeal to white people i.e. the fancy logos, edible bowls, and jazz music. White people get orgasms just thinking about eating broccoli cheddar soup bread browls while listening to jazz while checking their gmail on their macbooks. However, broccoli cheddar soup is a more creamy soup and therefore has more fat, which white people tend to like to dislike because it's not healthy. Therefore many white people will punish themselves for being overweight/unhealthy by eating vegetable soups or low-calorie soup from cans. White people will then discuss their least detestable low-calorie soups with each other and pretend they don't hate them in order to avoid ridicule for not liking soup because white people like to not like people who don't like stuff white people like.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Unofficial 2009
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Unofficial St. Patrick's day is probably my favorite day of the year. Everyone busts out their green and starts drinking at 8:00 AM and the entire campus (excluding the Urbana side) turns into a party filled with green man x 100.
I definitely noticed that if I walked east toward Urbana everything became less green, less happy, and a lot more boring. I would guess only 20% of the people on my block celebrated Unofficial because Urbana kids are generally too cool and grown up to participate. That's why I stayed in Champaign for most of the day. I definitely wasn't going to see any falling mattresses or TV's past Lincoln. Speaking of the First and Daniel extravaganza, you should look at the DI's pictures from Unoffcial. They are impressive except that the idiot who wrote the captions calls green man "the green guy." It's fucking ignorant. Anyway, I had a pretty sweet Friday. I was drunk or tipsy all day and never threw up or took a nap. I wasn't going to be THAT KID who is all, "whoo Unofficial" and throws up at 2:00 PM or needs a nap. I pace myself. My friend and I describe it as a marathon: you go steady all day and then sprint the end at night, but you still never try to climb to the third floor from the second floor balcony. I am hoping against hope that people aren't lame and will celebrate the real St.Patrick's day on March 17 but we'll see what happens. People were talking about it but deep down I think most people are Melvins, and by Melvins I mean nerds, and by nerds I mean Urbana kids.
I definitely noticed that if I walked east toward Urbana everything became less green, less happy, and a lot more boring. I would guess only 20% of the people on my block celebrated Unofficial because Urbana kids are generally too cool and grown up to participate. That's why I stayed in Champaign for most of the day. I definitely wasn't going to see any falling mattresses or TV's past Lincoln. Speaking of the First and Daniel extravaganza, you should look at the DI's pictures from Unoffcial. They are impressive except that the idiot who wrote the captions calls green man "the green guy." It's fucking ignorant. Anyway, I had a pretty sweet Friday. I was drunk or tipsy all day and never threw up or took a nap. I wasn't going to be THAT KID who is all, "whoo Unofficial" and throws up at 2:00 PM or needs a nap. I pace myself. My friend and I describe it as a marathon: you go steady all day and then sprint the end at night, but you still never try to climb to the third floor from the second floor balcony. I am hoping against hope that people aren't lame and will celebrate the real St.Patrick's day on March 17 but we'll see what happens. People were talking about it but deep down I think most people are Melvins, and by Melvins I mean nerds, and by nerds I mean Urbana kids.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
EMERGENCY!
"Widespread power outage on U of I campus. Turn to local media for details!"
I definitely got that at 6:34 pm. I wonder how fast they could send these in a real emergency...
I definitely got that at 6:34 pm. I wonder how fast they could send these in a real emergency...
MOTHERFUCKING BLACKOUT '09
Since 3:30 PM today there has been no electricity on campus buildings. As I write this post the food in my refrigerator is probably rotting away. I can't do any homework because I can't look at my class websites or test my mp (computer science project for kids who can't read good but want to learn to other stuff good instead). The coffee shops are probably extra-packed with Urbana kids right now so I scored entrance to the Illini Media building to borrow some internet. I'll probably post my Unofficial wrap-up later tonight or tomorrow. It'll be pretty sweet. Also if you live in a building without electricity travel in groups and check your hallways for rapists and such.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Chambana's War on Alcohol
As Unofficial approaches, the University and the city of Champaign have been making sure to be especially egregious douche bags. Here's a summary of recent events as reported by the DI.
Champaign Ends Fat Sandwich's Alcohol Delivery
You've probably heard of Fat Sandwich. They sell sandwiches made of ridiculously fattening ingredients, including a hamburger that replaces buns with doughnuts and other various sandwiches that are made using all the fried appetizers on the menu of any bar & grill that ever existed. They also used to deliver alcohol, until the douches in the Champaign city council decided that delivering alcohol is a bad thing. Enlightened district 4 council member Marci Dodds explained, "We made the decision to ban the delivery of alcohol because Fat Sandwich is clearly going after the campus market, where students are going through transitions and likely to make mistakes." You're so smart Marci. Twenty-one year old students really are just inexperienced and can't handle the transitions in college. They might get confused, order $40 worth of beer from Fat Sandwich and drink themselves to death! Fortunately Marci is looking out for us though.
The University Sent Warning Letters to Parents Regarding Unofficial
Last week the University sent a letter to students' parents to warn them that their children will die, or at least get an overpriced ticket from an overpaid cop, if they drink alcohol on March 6. However, I really think the University is overestimating the risk since Fat Sandwich can't deliver alcohol anymore. Seriously though, Unofficial is one of the best days of the year if you aren't an idiot. Just drink responsibly and don't drive.
Champaign Police Special Ops Celebrate Mardi Gras
Last Tuesday the Champaign Police celebrated Mardi Gras by looking for underage drinkers. Unfortunately they only caught about fifteen people but warned others for constructive possession. In this context, constructive possession means that the police thought some underagers were so close to alcohol that they had the power to drink some of it even though it wasn't theirs! Honestly, these police officers must feel like the biggest toolbag douchefaces. Their job that night was to find drunk nineteen and twenty-year-olds so they could issue them a citation for breaking a stupid and useless law. I also love how they went undercover for Fat Tuesday. There is a DI picture of older cops dressed in casual Friday attire plus some beads that are apparently for shits and giggles.
Champaign Ends Fat Sandwich's Alcohol Delivery
You've probably heard of Fat Sandwich. They sell sandwiches made of ridiculously fattening ingredients, including a hamburger that replaces buns with doughnuts and other various sandwiches that are made using all the fried appetizers on the menu of any bar & grill that ever existed. They also used to deliver alcohol, until the douches in the Champaign city council decided that delivering alcohol is a bad thing. Enlightened district 4 council member Marci Dodds explained, "We made the decision to ban the delivery of alcohol because Fat Sandwich is clearly going after the campus market, where students are going through transitions and likely to make mistakes." You're so smart Marci. Twenty-one year old students really are just inexperienced and can't handle the transitions in college. They might get confused, order $40 worth of beer from Fat Sandwich and drink themselves to death! Fortunately Marci is looking out for us though.
The University Sent Warning Letters to Parents Regarding Unofficial
Last week the University sent a letter to students' parents to warn them that their children will die, or at least get an overpriced ticket from an overpaid cop, if they drink alcohol on March 6. However, I really think the University is overestimating the risk since Fat Sandwich can't deliver alcohol anymore. Seriously though, Unofficial is one of the best days of the year if you aren't an idiot. Just drink responsibly and don't drive.
Champaign Police Special Ops Celebrate Mardi Gras
Last Tuesday the Champaign Police celebrated Mardi Gras by looking for underage drinkers. Unfortunately they only caught about fifteen people but warned others for constructive possession. In this context, constructive possession means that the police thought some underagers were so close to alcohol that they had the power to drink some of it even though it wasn't theirs! Honestly, these police officers must feel like the biggest toolbag douchefaces. Their job that night was to find drunk nineteen and twenty-year-olds so they could issue them a citation for breaking a stupid and useless law. I also love how they went undercover for Fat Tuesday. There is a DI picture of older cops dressed in casual Friday attire plus some beads that are apparently for shits and giggles.
"LOL GUYS NO ONE WILL KNOW!"
The police's approach is just a dumb and opportunistic attack on harmless underage drinkers. If the police want to protect people they should be dispersed throughout areas where real crimes with real victims are likely to occur.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Least Favorite Things
In order to make this blog more complete, I think it really needs a least favorite things post.
5. Low Fat/Low Sugar/Fake Sugar
No one likes this shit. It's for overweight people who are trying to lose weight and overly self-conscious girls who are trying to be as thin as possible without dying.
4. Icy Sidewalks
Icy sidewalks almost killed me several times this winter. I'm not a fan of them.
3. College Pizza
College pizza is the generic crappy pizza that every college campus pizza restaurant serves. It all comes from the College Pizza Factory and restaurants just assemble and cook them. The exception in Chambana would be Papa Del's. Papa Del's is probably the best pizza outside of Chicago.
2. Jerks Who Sit on the Aisle Seats
These jackasses are in everyone's way and always get annoyed when people want to sit in their row. If you get to class early, sit in the middle or else accept that you deserve to be trampled by every person that has to awkwardly move past you to get a seat.
1. Macbook Owners
Macbook owners think they are better than everyone else because they have a mac, even though everyone knows macs are marketed towards the stupidest and most technologically illiterate people AKA liberal arts majors.
5. Low Fat/Low Sugar/Fake Sugar
No one likes this shit. It's for overweight people who are trying to lose weight and overly self-conscious girls who are trying to be as thin as possible without dying.
4. Icy Sidewalks
Icy sidewalks almost killed me several times this winter. I'm not a fan of them.
3. College Pizza
College pizza is the generic crappy pizza that every college campus pizza restaurant serves. It all comes from the College Pizza Factory and restaurants just assemble and cook them. The exception in Chambana would be Papa Del's. Papa Del's is probably the best pizza outside of Chicago.
2. Jerks Who Sit on the Aisle Seats
These jackasses are in everyone's way and always get annoyed when people want to sit in their row. If you get to class early, sit in the middle or else accept that you deserve to be trampled by every person that has to awkwardly move past you to get a seat.
1. Macbook Owners
Macbook owners think they are better than everyone else because they have a mac, even though everyone knows macs are marketed towards the stupidest and most technologically illiterate people AKA liberal arts majors.
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