Chambana I Love You but You're Bringing Me Down

Sutff Girls Like: Katherine Heigl

2010-10-10T20:17:00.006-05:00

I don't know why, but girls love Katherine Heigl. She is a crappy actress and her criminally-awful chick flicks are, judging by Rotten Tomatoes, insufferable. Nothing in her adult/real film career except for Knocked Up has scored above 50% except for the obviously shitty 100 Girls which looks like a rip off of American Pie.

Her new movie is Life as We Know It. Just from the title I can tell it's going to be so fucking heartwarming and precious. I am also sure that this movie was created for girls and gay men by a bunch of Heigl fag hag fanboys.

I'm pretty sure the only reason she matters is because she won the loyalty of her fans in Grey's Anatomy, another thing girls love regardless of how stupid it becomes. It was her stepping stone to establish herself as the go-to face for bad romantic comedies and now we have to deal with its results.

Stuff White People Like: Kid Cudi

2010-10-09T08:45:00.019-05:00

Last week Kid Cudi played at Assembly Hall and while there I had one of those epiphany things: white people like Kid Cudi because most of his songs have chorus parts. I'm not saying this a bad thing or a good thing, it's just a thing I realized and I found it funny when people would sing the chorus parts and then become silent.

The show was fun but Kid Cudi was only on stage for about an hour. There were basically three openers who are all good but it's kind of stupid when you spend more time watching openers than the artist whose name is on your fucking ticket.

The first opener was a Milwaukee rapper who goes by Prophetic. He was pretty good and there was one song I liked. You can find out more at www.umbrellasup.com.

Prophetic

Chip the Ripper performed and Jay Electronica after. They were both really good but Jay Electronica is a much better rapper.

Chip the Ripper

Jay Electronica

Yeah then Kid Cudi came out around 9:30 and played for only about an hour. People were pretty disillusioned an hour later when the lights came on.

"Wait, is that it?"

Unfortunately it was

Red Lion's Gonna Tell Me Where the Light Is or THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR

2010-10-02T10:26:00.003-05:00

Station is now gone and Red Lion rises from the sawdust. I don't know what the motivation was for changing the name of the bar. Maybe it's meant for a less brotastic crowd? Probably not because the top DMB (OMG DAAAAAAAAAVE) cover band, Trippin Billies, is playing at 4PM and I'll have you know they sound just like DMB. I want to go though because they are having Goose Island beer on special. I can put up with terrible terrible music for a little while.

College is about Priorities

2010-09-16T00:30:00.007-05:00

If bars sold Halo 3 they could have made so much money last Monday.

Sausage fest

Counting Down the Hours

2010-02-14T22:33:00.004-06:00

It's that time of year when I start counting down the days until unofficial. I even got this fancy counter.

Move your furniture to your balcony so you can toss that shit to the ground. It's taking up keg space anyway.

New Year Resolution Month at the ARC

2010-01-26T08:37:00.013-06:00

The beginning of every year brings inspiration and hope to many in the form of a new year's resolution. Unfortunately, this means that gyms across the country are being flooded with annoying losers whose natural habitat is their couch. They are readily identifiable as they take up space attempting to run, swim, or lift weights. Some of them will actually honor their resolution, but we all know that the majority will become preoccupied, lazy, and then stop coming altogether.

If this sounds like you, save everyone some time and space and just quit now. You probably

A. suck at swimming,
B. are a slow runner
C. don't know how to use that machine or do that exercise you tried last time
D. have some combination of A,B,C

If anyone is offended you can try to prove me wrong. If you do then that's great, but most of you won't, so make room for the people who don't need a new year to stay in shape.

Top 20 Songs for 2009

2010-01-04T20:51:00.002-06:00

Since I couldn't fit all my favorite albums of 2009 in a ten item list, I also made a list of top 20 songs. The playlist is ordered such that number 20 is track 1, number 19 is track 2 etc.

Top 10 Albums of 2009

2010-01-03T17:40:00.033-06:00

If you weren't listening to this stuff last year then check it out.

10. Bitte Orca by The Dirty Projectors

The Dirty Projectors have always been pretty out there but as I listened to this album I found myself unable to stop listening. It's just that good.

9. Merriweather Post Pavillion by Animal Collective

If the Dirty Projectors are strange, Animal Collective is fucking weird. Usually people either love them or hate them, but I just like them a lot so they get the number 9 slot. (unintentional rhyme but I'm not changing it so get over it).

8. Neon Indian by Neon Indian

Neon Indian's first album is a collection of hella sweet electronic songs. If you like this you should check out Neon Indian's other project, Vega.

7. No More Stories by Mew

No it's not a pokemon and the full album title is a huge poem but everyone just abbreviates it. Mew is a band from Denmark that makes very spacey, ethereal sounding rock music. It made some great alarm/waking up music for several weeks.
Note: The video below starts half-way through to skip to the song.

6. Two Suns by Bat for Lashes

Bat for lashes is a British woman by the name of Natasha Khan. Her previous album had some songs that suggested greatness but Two Suns is loaded with great songs.

5. It's Blitz! by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

For their third album the Yeah Yeah Yeahs changed their sound again. But unlike Show Your Bones, they got it right this time.

4. Only Built for Cuban Linx Part II by Raekwon

The Chef released a great album last year. It has a lot of guest spots from Wu Tang members, especially Ghostface Killah. I remember reading something about Ghostface and Raekwon putting out an album in 2010 so look out for that.

3. Guns Don't Kill People... Lazers Do by Major Lazer

Major Lazer is a project by two DJ's and has guest features on a few songs. Basically, Major Lazer is a time traveling zombie killer with a gun serving as his right arm. Also the album pretty much amazing.
Warning: The video below (directed by Eric from the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job) is very, very NSFW.

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

2. Fever Ray by Fever Ray

Fever Ray is the woman from the Knife if that means anything to you. The album basically sounds like the Knife but is much more dark and haunting. The lyrics and music videos for the songs are just as bizarre though.

Fever Ray - Seven from Mute Records on Vimeo.

1. The Blueprint 3 by Jay-Z

Even though a lot of people would probably say that the guest spots on the songs carry the album or that it is too feature-heavy, I don't care because I love all the songs and Jay-Z still has some great verses.

NYE Chambana Style

2009-12-29T19:41:00.013-06:00

I've heard conflicting opinions that New Year's Eve in Chambana is either amazing or intensely lame. In a few days I will be back in the CU to see for myself. If you are going to a bar, you must already have tickets/reservations unless you are going to lameBar AKA Fubar or Legends. I'm assuming Legends doesn't even need to sell reservations, even though the dance floor will be open, and you know motherfuckers will be tearing that shit up except not really. Anyway other bars have events planned too. I heard KAMS has something, and since Fubar, Station, Cly's, and Firehaus are all owned by the same dude they have similar promotions (see below).

If you are feeling extra lame or just want to save money, there is this thing in Urbana called Piano Man.

There are a lot of Piano Man fans but when I went it got old after 35 minutes and I don't think I need to go again. I also know that I am not the only person who is anti-Piano Man, so don't try to tell me otherwise. Personally, this would be the worst possible NYE option since I don't like P Man, long islands, or gross-ass Manolos that has weird sauce. But if all that is your wet dream, then go for it. I won't judge. However, if you go to Brother's I will judge you pretty harshly.

Brother's is pretty much the most annoying (chain) bar ever with their shitty well drinks and slow bartenders and stupid decorations. It's pretty much the TGI's/Applebees/Chilis of bars and if you go there ever, and especially for NYE, go defenestrate your sorry ass. That's all I have to say about Brother's for now.

Really, NYE will probably be awesome wherever you are as long as you are drunk as fuck with your friends. Happy new year everyone and be safe, and by safe I mean drunk, and by drunk I mean shit-faced.

The Urbana Scale

2009-12-14T00:16:00.012-06:00

In my last post I alluded to the Urbana Scale. Well it is a real thing that really exists. I flexed my java muscles to bust out an applet so that anyone can find their Urbana score easily. The scale has values from 0.0 to 10.0 (just like Pitchfork!). A score of 7.0 or higher is considered too Urbana to function. Note that there is one for males and another for females. You can post your score as a comment if you wish.

The Urbana scale is not perfect yet though so if you have ideas throw them my way. I'll also accept ideas for a Champaign scale just to keep it fair, even though everyone knows Champaign is much better than Urbana. If the applets don't load then stop using fucking safari or IE, get firefox, and then make sure you have java.

Stuff White People Like: Rap Mixtapes with Indie Songs

2009-12-13T22:51:00.010-06:00

It's already a well-known fact that white people love indie music. Do you know why there are so many indie songs in commercials? It's because white college graduates with advertising degrees are in charge of commercials. So, whenever a rapper or rap group samples another artist's song (and especially if the artist is indie), white people lose their shit. For example, take Chiddy Bang. I think their most recent mixtape is "The Swelly Express" and it features samples from MGMT, Sufjan Stevens, and Passion Pit. Here is a picture from their myspace.

As you can see pretty much everyone there is a white hipster and ranks somewhere between 8.0 and 9.5 on the Urbana scale. Another rapper white people love is Kid Cudi. Even my roommate who pretty much only listens to punk music likes him. On "A Kid Named Cudi" he samples Band of Horses "Funeral" (It was in a Ford commercial once) on the track immediately before the popular "Day 'n Night." More recently he put out a song with Kanye and Common (more rappers white people like) that samples Lady Gaga.

If by now you are wondering, "Hey asshole how do you know so much about these rappers?" It's because I downloaded their mixtapes and they are fucking sweet. I love rap and hip-hop, especially Jay-Z. The Blueprint 3 will probably be on my top 10 for this year.

True Life: I'm Better than you Because I'm (Almost) a Mother Fucking Journalist. At the DI.

2009-09-14T02:18:00.007-05:00

Last week the DI editorial board published this. The article's tone is very snotty and smug. It generalizes students and chides them for not being as amazing as the DI editors who claim they would have been at the board of trustees meeting even if they weren't required to be there, which is basically bullshit. To echo some of the comments, the article is not informative and belittles the student body while praising the DI editorial board. The DI needs to chill out. we are all big kids. We know how the world works. Who you know is as or more important than what you know and can do, e.g. George Bush the second.

As I was writing the paragraph above I noticed this statement that the DI made late last night. Instead of an apology, the DI basically says (paraphrased), "Okay guys this isn't our fault it's yours because you didn't understand that we were being super severe and serious so now Fridays are for your opinions and we think we do a pretty sweet job at damage control."

Finally I can start a legit debate on KAMS vs. Station and complain about how I miss bomb night.

First Day Back

2009-08-19T13:12:00.003-05:00

I just moved back in yesterday and the new apt is sweet. It's nice to be away from lame-ass Gregory street and the quiet losers who live(d) there. I'm no longer on top of a Subway but now I'm pretty close to a beer barn, which is the only kind of barn I care for so it's a pretty good situation.

P.S. there are only 4 and some fraction of days until classes start so drink up kids

Kentucky Fried Cruelty

2009-05-08T17:53:00.003-05:00

KFC is cruel. They are cruel because yesterday when I went to two KFC's they were both closed. They didn't want me to eat any delicious Oprah chicken. They would rather have me starve or end up at Wendy's. Just for that I am buying all of my mother's day chicken at Popeye's.

Stuff White People Like

2009-03-31T14:03:00.019-05:00

So there is this really clever and funny website called Stuff White People Like. I have kind of wanted to do my own swpl for a while and today I had a moment of brilliance in which I realized what to write about.

Stuff White People Like: Soup

There is no food dish more boring than soup. It's just some hot water with nasty-ass vegetables and maybe some okay-tasting meat partially dissolved in it. Soup is actually so lame that there is a terrible series of books that is popular among white people (many who are women), named after chicken noodle soup AKA the whitest soup of them all. White people will generally consume chicken noodle soup while ill and may accent their whiteness by adding saltine crackers as a side dish. Another very popular soup among white people is broccoli cheddar soup, a soup often served at restaurants white people like such as TGI Friday's and Panera Bread. At Panera customers may choose to have broccoli cheddar soup in either a porcelain bowl or a bread bowl, which is exactly what it sounds like. I've never had it myself but it is highly recommended by many white people. Such recommendations must be adjusted for inflation though because of Panera's appeal to white people i.e. the fancy logos, edible bowls, and jazz music. White people get orgasms just thinking about eating broccoli cheddar soup bread browls while listening to jazz while checking their gmail on their macbooks. However, broccoli cheddar soup is a more creamy soup and therefore has more fat, which white people tend to like to dislike because it's not healthy. Therefore many white people will punish themselves for being overweight/unhealthy by eating vegetable soups or low-calorie soup from cans. White people will then discuss their least detestable low-calorie soups with each other and pretend they don't hate them in order to avoid ridicule for not liking soup because white people like to not like people who don't like stuff white people like.

Unofficial 2009

2009-03-10T20:36:00.018-05:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Unofficial St. Patrick's day is probably my favorite day of the year. Everyone busts out their green and starts drinking at 8:00 AM and the entire campus (excluding the Urbana side) turns into a party filled with green man x 100.

I definitely noticed that if I walked east toward Urbana everything became less green, less happy, and a lot more boring. I would guess only 20% of the people on my block celebrated Unofficial because Urbana kids are generally too cool and grown up to participate. That's why I stayed in Champaign for most of the day. I definitely wasn't going to see any falling mattresses or TV's past Lincoln. Speaking of the First and Daniel extravaganza, you should look at the DI's pictures from Unoffcial. They are impressive except that the idiot who wrote the captions calls green man "the green guy." It's fucking ignorant. Anyway, I had a pretty sweet Friday. I was drunk or tipsy all day and never threw up or took a nap. I wasn't going to be THAT KID who is all, "whoo Unofficial" and throws up at 2:00 PM or needs a nap. I pace myself. My friend and I describe it as a marathon: you go steady all day and then sprint the end at night, but you still never try to climb to the third floor from the second floor balcony. I am hoping against hope that people aren't lame and will celebrate the real St.Patrick's day on March 17 but we'll see what happens. People were talking about it but deep down I think most people are Melvins, and by Melvins I mean nerds, and by nerds I mean Urbana kids.

EMERGENCY!

2009-03-08T18:54:00.003-05:00

"Widespread power outage on U of I campus. Turn to local media for details!"
I definitely got that at 6:34 pm. I wonder how fast they could send these in a real emergency...

MOTHERFUCKING BLACKOUT '09

2009-03-08T18:23:00.006-05:00

Since 3:30 PM today there has been no electricity on campus buildings. As I write this post the food in my refrigerator is probably rotting away. I can't do any homework because I can't look at my class websites or test my mp (computer science project for kids who can't read good but want to learn to other stuff good instead). The coffee shops are probably extra-packed with Urbana kids right now so I scored entrance to the Illini Media building to borrow some internet. I'll probably post my Unofficial wrap-up later tonight or tomorrow. It'll be pretty sweet. Also if you live in a building without electricity travel in groups and check your hallways for rapists and such.

Chambana's War on Alcohol

2009-02-28T15:41:00.023-06:00

As Unofficial approaches, the University and the city of Champaign have been making sure to be especially egregious douche bags. Here's a summary of recent events as reported by the DI.

Champaign Ends Fat Sandwich's Alcohol Delivery

You've probably heard of Fat Sandwich. They sell sandwiches made of ridiculously fattening ingredients, including a hamburger that replaces buns with doughnuts and other various sandwiches that are made using all the fried appetizers on the menu of any bar & grill that ever existed. They also used to deliver alcohol, until the douches in the Champaign city council decided that delivering alcohol is a bad thing. Enlightened district 4 council member Marci Dodds explained, "We made the decision to ban the delivery of alcohol because Fat Sandwich is clearly going after the campus market, where students are going through transitions and likely to make mistakes." You're so smart Marci. Twenty-one year old students really are just inexperienced and can't handle the transitions in college. They might get confused, order $40 worth of beer from Fat Sandwich and drink themselves to death! Fortunately Marci is looking out for us though.

The University Sent Warning Letters to Parents Regarding Unofficial

Last week the University sent a letter to students' parents to warn them that their children will die, or at least get an overpriced ticket from an overpaid cop, if they drink alcohol on March 6. However, I really think the University is overestimating the risk since Fat Sandwich can't deliver alcohol anymore. Seriously though, Unofficial is one of the best days of the year if you aren't an idiot. Just drink responsibly and don't drive.

Champaign Police Special Ops Celebrate Mardi Gras

Last Tuesday the Champaign Police celebrated Mardi Gras by looking for underage drinkers. Unfortunately they only caught about fifteen people but warned others for constructive possession. In this context, constructive possession means that the police thought some underagers were so close to alcohol that they had the power to drink some of it even though it wasn't theirs! Honestly, these police officers must feel like the biggest toolbag douchefaces. Their job that night was to find drunk nineteen and twenty-year-olds so they could issue them a citation for breaking a stupid and useless law. I also love how they went undercover for Fat Tuesday. There is a DI picture of older cops dressed in casual Friday attire plus some beads that are apparently for shits and giggles.

"LOL GUYS NO ONE WILL KNOW!"

The police's approach is just a dumb and opportunistic attack on harmless underage drinkers. If the police want to protect people they should be dispersed throughout areas where real crimes with real victims are likely to occur.

Least Favorite Things

2009-01-22T15:54:00.007-06:00

In order to make this blog more complete, I think it really needs a least favorite things post.

5. Low Fat/Low Sugar/Fake Sugar

No one likes this shit. It's for overweight people who are trying to lose weight and overly self-conscious girls who are trying to be as thin as possible without dying.

4. Icy Sidewalks

Icy sidewalks almost killed me several times this winter. I'm not a fan of them.

3. College Pizza

College pizza is the generic crappy pizza that every college campus pizza restaurant serves. It all comes from the College Pizza Factory and restaurants just assemble and cook them. The exception in Chambana would be Papa Del's. Papa Del's is probably the best pizza outside of Chicago.

2. Jerks Who Sit on the Aisle Seats

These jackasses are in everyone's way and always get annoyed when people want to sit in their row. If you get to class early, sit in the middle or else accept that you deserve to be trampled by every person that has to awkwardly move past you to get a seat.

1. Macbook Owners

Macbook owners think they are better than everyone else because they have a mac, even though everyone knows macs are marketed towards the stupidest and most technologically illiterate people AKA liberal arts majors.

Favorite Things

2009-01-08T15:42:00.019-06:00

You guys know Oprah, right? Every year she makes a list of her favorite things and then women buy them. Well I thought the "favorite things" segment is a pretty cool idea so I made a list of my current top-five favorite things.

Picture Credit NBC

5. Married to the Sea
My favorite web comic is probably Married to the Sea. It's consistently ridiculous and is updated every day 365 days a year. www.marriedtothesea.com

4. Unofficial
Unofficial is one of the best days of the year. On how many other occasions can you drink from dawn until dusk and not be considered an alcoholic mess?

3. Big Mouth's
This is a good transition from #4 because hot dogs are the best drunk food. I'm talking about real Chicago hot dogs though, i.e. no ketchup bullshit. I know that Big Mouth's quality is nothing special but it's cheap and open late.
P.S. the hot dog guy on Green St. is insane so avoid him if possible

2. Gettin' Paid
It's money. Everyone loves it.

1. Little Gordon
Little Gordon is a parody character of famous chef Gordon Ramsay that appears in caterer.com's web ads. There are three Little Gordon videos as of this posting and you can watch them at http://www.littlegordon.com/.

2008 in Music

2009-01-01T19:42:00.020-06:00

I present 2008's ten best albums

10. Nouns by No Age

It's a grower for sure.

9. Feed the Animals by Girl Talk

Everyone loves mash-ups!

8. Vampire Weekend by the guys from Vampire Weekend

Occasionally overrated, but never underrated.

7. In Ghost Colours by Cut Copy

Cut Copy makes some nice electronic ditties.

6. Hold on Now Youngster by Los Campesinos!

It's basically a British indie pop masterpiece.

5. Third by Portishead

There's a '3' inside the P!

4. Fleet Foxes by the guys from Fleet Foxes

If I didn't put this on here I would lose all my indie cred like so fast.

3. Stay Positive by the Hold Steady

The Hold Steady IS music. If you like the Hold Steady you are automatically cool.

2. Dear Science, by TV on the Radio

This band could not make a bad album if it tried.

1. Saturdays=Youth by M83

Saturdays=Youth was made using 80's keyboards so it simultaneously sounds retro yet contemporary, and it works. It's much more pop than M83's previous albums and this new style was executed nearly perfectly.

Smoothie Wars

2008-12-08T17:53:00.007-06:00

I once wrote a blog entry about the superiority of Jamba Juice to Smoothie King that received a virulent comment from an ardent Smoothie King fan boy/girl/thing--it doesn't matter. Then over Fall break I received another comment from Paul, the owner/operator of Chambana's Smoothie King. Paul generously offered me and the first commentor a free smoothie, but the thing is I just don't want a SK smoothie. I want a Jamba Juice smoothie. Paul also said that he doesn't want anyone to get the impression that SK is evil. But SK isn't evil. They just have slightly overpriced and unexceptional smoothies. Jamba Juice is actually evil. You can determine if a business is evil based on how much of the market it controls. Consider Starbucks or Wal-Mart. Do-gooders are always bitching about how evil they are, but people continue to patronize these places. I used these two examples to illustrate how socioeconomic status doesn't matter--white trash and yuppies will support evil if it provides a convenience. Likewise, Jamba Juice must have at least 20 locations in Chicago and its suburbs because they are so evil and easily crush competition. I think there is a SK in O'Hare but I had never even heard of SK until I came to Chambana. In Chambana SK will have an advantage since it isn't stuck in the Union, but JJ's tend to reproduce rapidly. SK as a corporation should probably pursue aggressive expansion because JJ pretty much dominates a small market and they do not want you to have the option of drinking a Hulk Smoothie (which you should know has less than 3000 calories but still should not be used by the average person).

NEWS NEWS NEWS

2008-11-15T19:31:00.015-06:00

So today was the Chief Illiniwek dance at Assembly Hall. The Chief can inspire a lot of controversy but I think it is mostly unwarranted. I understand why liberal multicultural do-gooders don't like it, but I feel like the dance is a tribute to the Illiniwek and not a mockery. Maybe some people interpret it as such, but that's their issue and they need to settle down.

Liberal Do-Gooders in Stereotypical Garb that is Probably Homemade

The protesters basically wasted their time though because the Chief is never coming back anyway. There was a lot of political BS with the NCAA concerning the Chief and in University world minority vote usually decides things of this nature.

In other news:

A sex offender has been living in the Undergraduate Library (Surprise). The Undergrad is semi-notorious for sexually offensive things e.g. Craigslist anal sex and BJ's. Last Thursday a twenty-one year old gentleman by the name of Eric J. Kaminski was discovered in the Undergrad. Apparently he has been living behind movable book shelves. He probably decided to shack up there after seeing all the CL posts about the undergrad. I guess you can't really blame him for wanting some action. But seriously, how fucking creepy is this? It's almost unbelievable. I have no other comment besides "wow."

Coprophilia: In Your Neighborhoods, on Your Street Corners

2008-10-07T19:57:00.004-05:00

If you didn't know already, we have some coprophiliacs in Chambana. The DI said so. Stay classy Mike Fuja, junior in aviation.

Fuck Michigan

2008-10-05T10:29:00.005-05:00

Yesterday the Illini crushed Michigan 45-20, mostly because of all the "Muck Fichigan" t-shirts in existence. Actually I think those shirts are stupid. I don't like cutesy bullshit things, and that is a perfect example of cutesy bullshit. People should wear a shirt that actually says "Fuck Michigan." Everyone thinks that anyway and it's a bold and concise message that doesn't involve any cutesy bullshit.

How to Be... A U of I Asian

2008-10-04T22:16:00.013-05:00

For nine months of the year, 15% of Asia's population migrates to Chambana to study math, science, engineering, or a related discipline. I don't know if these students are representative of all Asians, but their behaviors and traits are pretty consistent across the group. Thus I present the official field guide to U of I Asians.

First of all, Asians almost always travel in packs. This is an evolutionary adaptation used primarily to increase the probability of survival in unfamiliar environments. If you see an Asian traveling alone you will notice that he or she is, almost invariably, running. Almost every day I either see an Asian bolting down the street or a friend tells me about an Asian he or she saw running. Another common characteristic of U of I Asians, and probably all Asians, is poor driving ability. I don't know if their eyes don't open wide enough or if they are too short, but Asians just cannot drive well. In high school my neighbor told me about a girl in her driver's ed group who would run red lights and drift into other lanes. She was Asian. Surprise. Another time at Walgreens this semester an Asian woman parked her car at an angle such that she blocked in someone's door. She couldn't fix it so she just left her car parked crooked. From here Asians tend to differentiate more.

There are the androgynous anime-inspired Asians that have the weird hair cuts that are sometimes dyed red. They wear douchey designer clothes and jewelry more massive than their entire bodies.

Then there are the first-generation Asians who were born in the United States but their parents immigrated from Asia. These Asians spike their hair and wear a lot of Abercrombie and Hollister clothing because they feel they need to fit in. They are also probably the only Asians that do not major in math or science. Unfortunately they end up trying too hard and make douches of themselves.

Lastly there are the hip-hop inspired Asians. They are distinguished by a baseball cap cocked to the side and clothing from a rapper's clothing line, like G-Unit or Sean John (Puff Daddy). They are probably a variation of the first-generation Asian that just chose a different clique in high school.

So I think that covers all types of U of I Asians. If I missed any let me know so I can make this field guide as complete as possible.

Republicans/Oil Companies Need to Get Their Fucking Act Together

2008-10-03T15:52:00.007-05:00

This is from last week. You guys are fucking way behind in spreading your agenda.

You could at least grab some of the yellows or greens, although the greens are probably in a corner somewhere waiting to die.

Pygmalion Wrap-Up Part 3 (Finally)

2008-10-03T15:14:00.024-05:00

Here is the final and very late Pygmalion 2008 post. I have been busy taking a test practically every fricking day this week.

Pitchfork favorites High Places played at the Stage 5 bar at Krannert. They were pretty good but only "From Stardust to Sentience" really stood out. The other songs were all very similar.

After High Places I headed over to the Canopy Club for the final shows of the festival. Headlights played a classic set before Asobi Seksu closed the festival.

I have been waiting two years to see Asobi Seksu and they surpassed my expectations. They basically crushed the Canopy Club under a wall of sound with the kind of loudness that you don't realize was loud until after the show because now you have some hearing damage, which doesn't really matter because it was so totally worth it.

And that concludes Pygmalion 2008.

Pygmalion Wrap-Up Part 2

2008-09-26T15:09:00.029-05:00

Thao and the Get Down Stay Down and Black Mountain were my picks for Friday night and they did not disappoint. Black Mountain is sort of psychadelic and sort of prog but completely kick ass while Thao's music is folksy indie rock (which also kicks ass, but does so at a lower volume and in less time).

It was a pretty short (but sweet) show. Thao Nyugen is very cool person and shared some the sights she encountered while traveling through Fratville.

Later that night Black Mountain played at the Canopy Club.

Fast Forward to Saturday

The highlight of Saturday and Pygmalion was, of course, Yo La Tengo. The only qualm I have about their show is that it was at Krannert so no one stood during their set. If Chamabana were as cool as Chicago everyone would have been standing and rocking out. I guess you people are comfortable in your lameness. As a plus, at least the sound/accoustics were amazingly good compared to the Canopy box.

They played a lot of the songs I wanted to hear, including I Feel Like Going Home.

As a Pygmalion Bonus, they also played a cover of Come On, Come On by Cheap Trick.

Coming next time: High Places, Headlights, and Asobi Seksu

Jamba Juice

2008-09-23T23:04:00.004-05:00

Today I heard there is going to be a Jamba Juice in the Union. Jamba Juice is probably the best smoothie chain in the world. Once Jamba Juice is open for business you won't have to buy overpriced 3000 calorie Smoothie King drinks when you want a smoothie.

Pygmalion Wrap-Up Part 1

2008-09-21T13:50:00.033-05:00

Although Pygmalion technically began on Wednesday, I started the festival Thursday with Evangelicals and Dan Deacon. Evangelicals played at the Krannert Art Museum and had a great show although I would have liked to have seen more smoke machine action.

The highlight of Thursday and probably the festival was Dan Deacon though. If you arrived early, chances are you had to endure the terrible shitty shit "music" of this terribly shitty band that goes by the name Dark Meat. Dark Meat is basically a group of stoned hippy idiots that can't make music to save their lives. They are very good at making very loud discordant noises and hitting people with tubas but that's about it. I think they assume that because they have a bunch of people and instruments they are making good music. News fucking flash Dark Meat: You are not like the Polyphonic Spree because your tuba player wears a gown and you have a flutist; you are not like Broken Social Scene because you use a trombone and trumpet, and you are not like anything that is good. Dark meat is all novelty and no substance. The drinking/smoking area outside of the Canopy Club was more packed than the inside of the club because people did not want to be a part of the shitfest that is a Dark Meat show.

Shitty Music

Moving on: Dan Deacon is notorious for his crazy-ass cluster-fuck rowdy hipster dance shows, and that's what the Canopy Club got last Thursday.

Deacon's Sound Table

THE SKULL

Hiptsers crowding around

Deacon never performs on stage; he sets up his table in the audience and everyone dances around him. Because the stage was vacant, people climbed up and started dancing. Unfortunately, the stage could not handle it and broke. Vegans and vegetarians are fatter than they look.

The show continued though with more craziness when Deacon organized a dance contest between the opposing sides of the audience, and then everyone just lost their shit.

After that things just started to get ridiculous though, with members of Evangelicals and Dark Meat and others crowd surfing and kicking people, so the show was cut short. It was pretty disappointing since Deacon had just started playing Wham City but Deacon is all about safety first, as he said before the show started. Crowd surfing at the Canopy Club is really just a stupid idea though, especially when they use the crappy little stage (which is now broken, thankfully). I think everyone had fun though, so it wasn't a total letdown. Still, if canopy club can't handle Dan Deacon, I would be worried if my name were Greg Gillis.

Coming next time: Thao and the Get Down Stay Down, Black Mountain, and Yo La Tengo.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-09-19T22:17:00.005-05:00

BREAKING NEWS FROM CHAMPAIGN

Via Thao Nguyen: Members of the Delta Chi fraternity were reportedly touching each other a little too much while playing slip n' slide outside their house today, September 19, 2008.

Bros before hos I guess.

Pygmalion Starts Today

2008-09-17T15:45:00.008-05:00

So Pygmalion 2008 begins today but I don't have the time to go to anything tonight, which actually works out perfectly since tonight's acts are not especially amazing. Basically Pygmalion generally has a lot of mediocre no-name bands and a few pretty good ones, and it happens that Wednesday is not an impressive day. My schedule for Pygmalion looks like this:

Thursday aka Best Day Ever
Evangelicals at Krannert 9:15
Dan Deacon at the Canopy Club 12:30 AM BITCHES

Friday
Thao with the Get Down Stay Down at Krannert Art Museum on Peabody 9:15
Black Mountain at the Canopy Club 12:00 AM

Saturday
Yo La Tengo at Krannert 8:30
High Places Krannert 11:00
Headlights at Canopy Club 11:45
Asobi Seksu at Canopy Club 12:45

Passholders traditionally get T-shirts and fliers/ads when they pick up their wristbands, but this year in addition to free T-shirts passholders got some extra nifty items, including some sun glasses (a la Pitchfork Music Festival) and a bag that you could totally use to carry your groceries while you tout the importance of being green.

Pictures, comments, etc of shows are forthcoming.

How to Be... A Sororstitute

2008-09-07T13:48:00.025-05:00

In honor of sorority recruitment 2008, the second installment of the "How to Be..." series will focus on sororstitutes. Sororstitutute, of course, is a portmanteau word that combines "sorority" and "prostitute." The only prerequisites for being a sororstitute are majoring in advertising, finance, education, accounting, or psychology and an affinity for cult-like ceremonies since a large part of the recruitment process will involve chanting and singing while wearing clothing that adheres to some sort of dress code. First, you need to join a sorority. If you are blond enough and hot enough, you will receive a bid and pay $34534lfsg3 to become a member. Once you are in, you'll need to obtain the proper supplies/equipment of a sororstitute, which includes plenty of Ugg Boots, Northface jackets, sun dresses, and slutty cocktail dresses for Kams, C.O.'s, and Stash.

If you use your equipment correctly, which is not difficult at all, you will soon attract many bros with whom you will have sex. After several undiscriminating sexual encounters, you will have achieved full sororstitute status. Don't worry if you begin to feel objectified or shallow, such feelings are a normal and healthy consequence of the sororstitute lifestyle. Besides, there are other aspects of sororstitute life. For example, you should idolize dead celebrities like Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, and that chick from Sex in the City (the one from Hocus Pocus) who isn't dead but should be. Whenever possible you should write stupid quotes like "live, laugh, love" or a permutation thereof in pink, italicized script. Speaking of pink, pink should be your favorite color. If something comes in pink, you better fucking buy the pink version of it.

Even though this all sounds pretty great, you are bound to generate some negative rumors about sororstitutes. To remedy this, help your sorority organize philanthropic fund raising events to draw attention towards more socially acceptable behavior since, for some reason, society judges sleeping around and being shallow as not cool.

Unfortunately, you can't be a sororstitute forever. Prior to graduating, make sure you find a man with a lucrative major so that you can enter the next exciting stage of your life: Being a housewife.

The Chancellor Hates Fraternities (And Probably Sororities Too)

2008-09-02T00:14:00.005-05:00

If you are a UIUC student, you have probably seen this message but I'll post it for those who haven't.

Dear Students,

Many of you may be aware of an event known as Rush. It is my objective to
warn you of the potential downsides of Greek organizations. I advise you to
not succumb to the aggressive recruitment tactics used by these
organizations. It has been my concern over the years, that the Greek culture
of alcoholism and lack of respect for the community degrades campus life.
These organizations present themselves as prestigious, yet are
discriminatory, serve to perpetuate social inequality, especially with
respect to the opposite gender, and promote a lack of diversity. Many
students have expressed concerns with regards to safety on campus,
particularly due to Greek culture and behavior. It is my hope that a
student's experience on campus strengthens one's individuality, but the Greek
system emphasizes the group above all, without cause or reason. This is
detrimental to the purpose of universities.

I hope that you will consider wisely.

GDI Chancellor Richard Herman

I was hoping there would be a huge controversy/backlash/Greek initiative to disprove the claims in the message but it's pretty clear that this message is fake (Although I'm sure Mr. Herman is proud that he's a GDI). The Daily Illini already has a blurb about the hoax on its website.

P.S.
I ♥ Α Ξ Δ

UPDATE

I wanted to share this information that came attached to my message:

Received: from illinois.edu (Newman-71.newmanhall.org [209.174.188.71])
by expredir4.cites.uiuc.edu (8.14.2/8.14.2) with SMTP id m820X9Lk007029

Newman Hall, eh? Catholic Hooligans.

ARC Mini Review

2008-08-24T15:09:00.015-05:00

So ARC is finally open. However, despite being "state-of-the-art" and blah blah such-and-such it's only kind of impressive, unless you love doing squat exercises. The bottom floor has an excessive amount of leg-based machines but somehow lacks a calf press machine. The "concourse" is whatever; it's just a bunch of elliptical machines for lazy people. The entrance level floor just has some basketball courts. The top floor is like the middle floor plus some light weights and a track, also very whatever. The best feature is the outdoor pool. It's a six-lane 50 meter pool that is divided into halves. The north half is for standing around and looking cool and the south half is for swimming. Swimming outside is awesome because you can get a workout and a tan simultaneously. As a third bonus, you may develop goggle tan lines, which are sweet as fuck. The indoor pool isn't open yet, so go to the outdoor one until it closes. The indoor pool is very drab and dark and is probably the perfect place to film a horror movie climax. I'd still swim there though, because I'm edgy like that. When you go to ARC, though, you need to take everything into consideration. Without focusing on its flaws, it is a pretty decent place and is certainly much better than that nearly useless shit box at the east end of Gregory Drive.

The Blog that Work (thought it) Killed

2008-07-23T23:11:00.007-05:00

So the final Chambana post never really happened, but that's okay with me. Work has left me too occupied and tired to work on this blog. Once I return to Chambana and am free of my other obligations I will resurrect it. Until then, WE GOTTA STAY POSITIVE!

If you are cool then you should get this.

F.I.N.A.L.S.

2008-05-03T19:02:00.006-05:00

Fuck I never actually learned this shit. It's that time of year again in Chambana. Because finals put me in such a good mood I'd like to share my feelings with you through some educationally inspirational recordings.

Kanye West "The College Drop Out" skits

School Spirit Skit 1

School Spirit Skit 2

Lil' Jimmy Skit

and of course some Pink Floyd

Another Brick in the Wall (Part II)

Happy finals y'all

P.S.
My final* post is coming soon, like in a few days

* final as in the last one while I'm in Chambana. I plan on being awesome during Summer too so I'll have stuff to write about

OAR Played Assembly Hall

2008-04-25T00:58:00.003-05:00

I definitely didn't go to that shit. If you are at Assembly Hall for a concert you should probably reconsider your taste in music.

P.S. this is for real.

Islands Played at the Independent Media Center Last Friday

2008-04-22T15:41:00.043-05:00

Last Friday I took a trip into Urbana to see the band Islands at the Independent Media Center, which is actually a former post office. You know how Urbana is pretty hipster right? Well you really have no idea until you actually go there. All the people there look like this.

The girls actually wear skirts over their pee-stained underwear but this is otherwise 100% accurate.

The Independent Media Center still has the signage of the Post Office because anyone who is truly cool and hip would be aware of the building's current role as a haven for liberal Urbana hipsters, hence it took a while for me to find it. The boring gray facade of the building conceals what is literally an Allen kid's wet dream. See for yourself.

Cornbread, a Chambana rapper, opened first. He was pretty cool for a local act but probably too hip-hop for the kids at this show.

Headlights came on second and played their best show that I have seen. I think it was the fact that they weren't in the shitty Canopy Club with its shitty speakers and shitty acoustics.

The accordion returns

After many hours of waiting Islands finally played. Their set list was mostly new stuff and lacked "Rough Gem," the song everyone wanted to hear. It was very disappointing, but tolerable.

Whoa a black guy in a rock band. Sometimes it happens.

Asian Violin duo

rocking out pizzicato style

Take a Listen

Islands - Rough Gem

How to Be... a Computer Science Major

2008-04-14T16:39:00.016-05:00

This is the first installment of the "How to Be..." series and it debuts with instructions on how to be a CS major.

Firstly, you should be a male. If you are not a male that's okay, but females are really better suited for something like art history or journalism. Next make sure you have an abnormal body type. You should aim to be as either grotesquely fat or thin as possible. For clothing, have plenty of t-shirts that are either too large or small and feature text like "1+1=10" or have website logos like "Google" or "Yahoo." You can wear any kind of pants or shorts as long as they are as plain as possible to match your plain face and personality. Your hair can look any way you like as long as you don't style it. You may choose from the following popular suggestions: long and curly and messy, pony tail, or long and straight like Dakota Fanning-style but longer. Don't be afraid to let it reach your shoulders. When you speak be certain to have a strange accent or lisp. That way when you debate Apple vs. Microsoft, Emacs vs Vim etc. you can sound much more nerdy and authoritative. If you have any free time you should spend it using a computer to have debates on online forums, read tech articles, play World of Warcraft or other MMORPG's (I think that's the right acronym), hack, or just write your own programs. Definitely avoid the outdoors as much as possible. Wi-Fi was invented so you can bring your laptop to the bathroom, not your backyard patio. Besides, unless you are Indian you should strive to keep your skin as pale as possible and the sun will prevent that.

If you can accomplish these tasks then you are well on your way to becoming an outstanding CS major. If anyone has any pictures of CS majors they want to share contact me and I will post them without releasing any personal information.

The Big Campus Rec Aquatics Post

2008-04-01T16:55:00.030-05:00

I've been with Campus Rec aquatics for a while and I feel like I am specially qualified to give you an inside look at what it's all about. Let's start with the two facilities, CRCE and Freer. The ARC pool is still closed (duh).

You probably already know I don't like CRCE. Its pool is probably the worst aspect of the facility though. Basically, it was built for local Chambana children's birthday parties and Campus Rec allows other patrons to use it in between parties. It also has a water slide. The water slide only has lasting appeal to those under age ten. So please don't even waste your time with the slide. The lifeguards will hate you for it anyway. Actually the slide is closed forever. Don't ask about it. Freer doesn't have a slide and it's plenty awesome.

Freer pool is pretty basic: people swim back and forth. There are no birthday parties/children to worry about. However, this pool is for real swimming only and not splashing around and being ridiculous. Rarely, novice swimmers might come to Freer to teach themselves to swim and only travel as far as the drop-off point. These are known as "accidents waiting to happen" and in the presence of such patrons the lifeguards should be on high alert. If you want to learn to swim you could take a learn to swim class.

The learn to swim classes are interesting for the youth levels because none of the participants are actually tested for their ability. So if you are a parent and your kid can barely swim you can still sign them up for the highest level because they will probably learn more or something. It's not like he or she will slow the class down and deprive the kids who belong in the class of attention.

Considering how great this all sounds, you probably want to work for Campus Rec aquatics. If so, you are in luck because I'm 99% sure they are ready to hire new employees to replace the batch they just fired. Campus Rec aquatics likes to clear out employees periodically for various reasons aka refusing to play sharks and minnows during an in-service session. In-services are meant for practicing/maintaining lifeguarding skills but apparently if you don't plan accordingly and finish early it's okay to play games too. The best part about in-services is that you realize that many lifeguards still aren't sure about CPR or other skills but are still employed, while other lifeguards who are probably better have been been fired. If you want job security, look no further.

A lot of aquatics employees actually hate working for Campus Rec for many of the reasons I have included and probably others I have forgotten. Personally, I am mostly indifferent but I think that most employees follow this progression.

1. New employee, still sizing up the scene (Oh snap shitty lifeguard joke)
2. Annoyed with a few things
3. Still annoyed and becoming dissatisfied with supervisors
4. Worried that employment is in jeopardy because you haven't been fired yet
5. Becoming disgruntled
6. Don't give a fuck no more; might just quit and take a souvenir

Honestly, working in the aquatics division of Campus Rec isn't terrible but sometimes it's pretty ridiculous. Most of the employees are pretty cool people though, so that makes the job much more tolerable. If you can handle all of this and you aren't a douche, try working for Campus Rec. Everyone who still has their job at the end of the semester wins a prize: you can work again in the Fall yay!

First Class Journalism in Chambana

2008-03-25T22:58:00.006-05:00

If you read the DI, you probably saw this.

Instead of running a relevant story the geniuses at the DI published a lame human interest article with a blatant pro-life slant. I have no offense towards Deanna Moreno, but this cutesy BS doesn't belong on the front page of a big ten university newspaper. If it were in the back somewhere it wouldn't be so ridiculous, but it's on the front effing page.
P.S. I noticed some people died in Iraq. I hope they weren't pregnant.

Not Dead

2008-03-24T19:52:00.005-05:00

There weren't any real posts over spring break but I'm okay with that. I saw Justice but I forgot my camera so I have no photos. Rumor has it that Chambana socialite Brittany Gebka of "OMG Did You Hear About?" fame was in attendance. Actually most of the Chicago area's hipster/indie kid population that hasn't yet branded Justice as overrated was probably there. It was a crazy good time. Anyway, there will be new posts pretty soon. Until then you can learn yourself some ironic white kid ebonics and download a Justice song.

01 - Genesis.mp3

Goodbye Polaroids

2008-03-16T18:35:00.002-05:00

In case you haven't heard, the Polaroid corporation announced it will not produce any more film for its cameras, which are already no longer in production. What does this mean for you and me? It means we'll just keep using our digital cameras like nothing happened, unless you are a hardcore hipster. If you are a hipster you better get the fuck out to wherever the fuck Polaroid film is sold and fucking buy as much as you can afford because otherwise you will have to settle with digital pictures that look like they were taken by fans of Jimmy Eat World, Regina Spektor (after she got on the radio), or even O.A.R.

Do You Like Jimmy Buffet?

2008-03-13T11:23:00.003-05:00

Cartman knows what's up

Headlights Played Canopy Club Last Week

2008-03-10T19:13:00.018-05:00

I've talked about headlights before. They are from good ole' Champaign and are probably the coolest thing about this place, unless you count Fratville, of course. If you are super hipster though you will be ready to point out that their record has been available for purchase in local stores for a while. In that case, you can shut up because I already know, fucking hipsters. Anyway here is a summary.

A local band by the name of Tall Tale opened. They are a very college-town indie band with a characteristic bearded guy on bass, an Asian, two girls with mediocre voices, and the super skinny V-Neck-wearing hipster guy who makes you seriously question how vegans can survive. Next up was Evangelicals, who were really the highlight of the evening despite being openers. They had a black light, smoke machine, and strobe light that fit perfectly with their crazy synth-powered indie space rock ridiculousness. Unfortunately all those gadgets made my pictures suck.

See?

Headlights had better lighting and played another classic show. The only problem with Headlights is that they are weak in the middle of their sets so that after the fifth or sixth song you start to daydream. They always close well though, so you forgive them by the end and go home mostly satisfied. Now it's time for the pictures.

Reppin the Accordion like a BA

SPIRIT FINGERS

Fucking Emo Kids

2008-03-03T00:15:00.005-06:00

Of all the trendy subcultures and styles of dress and music, the worst is by far emo. Last week on the 26 I saw an emo and it was absolutely disgusting. I was surpirsed. It was like, "You're in college and STILL emo?" I can't be sure of its gender so I will refer to it as the emo. The emo had a gross lip piercing, nasty ass fake black hair that was long and in its eyes, which necessitated a periodic head jerk to flip the fake ass hair out of its eyes, and disgustingly tight jeans that it probably bought from the emo section in the clothing store aka juniors. Emos love the androgynous look because they are secretly homosexual but emo sounds like a cooler label. Their closeted sexuality along with the intense pain and angst associated with suburban life attracts them to styles like this:

This one is so going on myspace

You're not hardcore until you have a baby blue and pink Hawthorne Heights T-shirt that your mom bought you

The most annoying thing about emos though is that shitty fucking shit they listen to. Emo bands incorporate emo-ness into their songs by trying to be exactly like every other emo band. You actually don't even need to listen to an emo band to know they are emo. Once you have heard a few emo band names you can identify an emo band easily. It's usually something that sounds as though it was contrived by someone who thinks they are deep and clever, but he/she is really a fucking moron teenager with no musical talent whatsoever. Examples are shit like Hidden in Plain View, Paramore, Fallout Boy, Taking Back Sunday, August Burns Red, etc. I can make one up myself easily: Lost in Autumn. The thing is, that is probably a real band name for at least three bands. Unfortunately this whole emo trend is becoming popular with the American Eagle and Abercrombie kids. It's like a parasite that has found a new home. Disgusting.

Unofficial

2008-02-28T22:04:00.003-06:00

It's finally here. In light of the holiday I have some Unofficial-related songs for y'all. Don't get too crunk tomorrow.

An Angle - Green Water

Bishop Allen - Penitentiary Bound

Cat Power - Lived in Bars

CSS - Alcohol

The Hold Steady - Killer Parties

Kanye West - Drunk Hot Girls

The New Pornographers - The Slow Descent into Alcoholism

The New Pornographers - Use It

Oh No! Oh My! - Skip the Foreplay

Sybris - Breathe Like You're Dancing

The Dresden Dolls - My Alcoholic Friends

Welcome to My Neighborhood Part 4: Fratville

2008-02-15T19:21:00.017-06:00

West of the quad in Champaign lies Fratville. Fratville is a village populated mainly by bros who subsist on Dave Matthews Band, baseball caps, North Face jackets, Keystone, and Jeep Grand Cherokees. The heart of Fratville is Frat Park.

In warmer months the bros might come out here to play football, volleyball, or some kind of ball. Bros love balls.

Bros are all basically the same, but there are a few subspecies. Some bros congregate by race, others by major (enginerds), some by an affinity for partying, and a few bros just want to play billiards and go bowling without the hazing yay! Here are some bro houses.

Acacia are typical bros. When they go to ARC they like to wear their "Drunkenhood" T-shirts.

This is Zeta Beta Tau. They're rich aka Jewish.

Here is a sorority house. There are a few in Fratville to keep the all the bros from turning gay.

Go here if you want to get raped, they can probably hook you up.

That's all I have for Fratville. If you are passing through bring some OAR, beer, and roofies.

Date Auction

2008-02-11T20:24:00.000-06:00

Last Friday I attended the big gay date auction at Allen Hall. It was pretty neat overall. I won't name anyone 's name so you'll only be able to identify people if you already know them. I think there's no harm in that; it's not like anyone was acting totally obscene. So anyway let's do this. I think the people are in order but they might not be because I skipped some. Sorry, next time be more impressive.

This is the stage and the poor lighting that gave me bad pictures

They were the MC's. They did a pretty good job despite some doubts

She rocked that black dress

Foot fetishes I guess?

Just wait, 2008 is the year of the samurai pony tail

Allen RA's know how to dress hot

Only some people can do vests

Like only some people can do the splits

This vest was not working IMO

So he took it off

Yeah you know what comes next

It wouldn't be a big gay date auction without some leather

She was looking supa fly

She was hilarious

So that was the date auction. I think they raised something like $1300-$1500 for the MBLGTACC (Big Gay College Conference) that will take place here in about one week and a half, which is the weekend before Unofficial. Everyone please get really drunk on February 29 so I can have some funny pics.

Fucking Freshmen

2008-02-09T22:18:00.001-06:00

If you are riding the 22 ILLINI after 10:00 PM on a weekend don't sit down because chances are at least one fucking stupid amateur freshman drooled vomit all over the seats. Holler.

P.S.
I'm going to write about the date auction pretty soon

It's Lent Y'all

2008-02-07T23:18:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't know Lent began last Wednesday after Mardi Gras. You can tell because the day after Mardi Gras Catholics walk around with dirt on their foreheads as a symbol that they haven't showered in a while. During Lent, Catholics don't eat meat on Friday unless it's fish because fish is like meat but not really. The significance of this is that Jesus was actually a vegan, which is why he was so thin and why it was so difficult for him to carry the cross to Golgotha. The Lent season lasts forty days, after which Catholics celebrate Easter. On the eve of Easter the Easter Bunny, a pagan god of fertility and sexual intercourse, hides plastic eggs filled with fun-size candy within the homes of Christian children. The next morning the children hunt for the eggs while their parents binge on meats, cheeses, and alcohol. Sometime during the day, the network news channel broadcasts The Ten Commandments instead of some New Testament stuff because movies about Jesus tend to be too violent and bloody for television. That's Lent in a nut shell. Happy spaghetti dinners and fish fry Fridays!

OMGZ CHECK THIS OUT

2008-02-05T23:40:00.000-06:00

Watch this clip set to Sufjan Steven's "The Palm Sunday Tornado Hits Crystal Lake" from The Avalanche. It's fucking sweet. If you have epilepsy you will have to suffer a seizure for this because you don't want to miss it.

Palm Sunday Tornado Hits Crystal Lake from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

Slave Auction

2008-02-05T19:21:00.000-06:00

This Friday February 8 at 7:30 the student organization Q of Allen Hall is going to host a date auction at Allen. Sorry to disappoint, but it's not really a slave auction. I just heard there are some PC do-gooders involved with Unit One who needed something to bitch about so they tried to compare a date auction to slavery. Admission is free and there will be refreshments like punch and pie and that type of shit. Check it out on Facebook. The proceeds will go to the MBLGTACC conference that will take place February 22-24. I'm kind of scared the dates will be fugly because Chambana is a fugly place anyway, but we'll see.

Click here to get directions

Welcome to My Neighborhood Part 3: The Residence Halls

2008-02-04T22:09:00.000-06:00

The residence halls are a necessary evil for pretty much all freshman, a lot of sophomores, some loser juniors, and a handful of wtf-get-out-of-the-dorms seniors. The food can range from stuffed eggplant and onion pie to hamburgers and ravioli. The people can range from hardcore enginerds to sororstitutes and jocks. However, there is definitely a stereotype for each residence hall here at Chambana. Let's take a look. (Prospective students pay attention). I'll start with the Six Pack.

The Six Pack is a group of six dorms: Weston, Snyder, Scott, Hopkins, Forbes, and Garner. The Six Pack is kind of strange because it has all kinds. Snyder is substance free so it has all the Jesus lovers and Weston is a living-learning community so it has some studious types. The rest are mainly douchebags who listen to crappy music. There are some nerds and gay people around but they are minorities here. The very leftist/be-good bulletin boards that are common in dormitories are absolutely pointless here. For example, these were on a bulletin board in Garner.

This is the type of shit that drunk Six Pack kids love to rip down. Whoever put this up must have felt so stupid. The great allegory of the Six Pack though is its architecture. All the buldings look the same: shitty and lame and nasty, just like most of the people who live there.

Garner Hall

Weston Hall
It looks like a housing project

Part of Weston Hall + the Three Pack (An extension of the Six Pack basically)

Next is Bromley, which is privately owned but certified by University Housing. It's also like the Six Pack but the rooms are nicer and I hear the food is worse.

Bromley is far from all classes and in the middle of Fratville. Whatever I'm done with it.

The next dorm is also private certified housing and closer to your classes but still in hardcore Fratville. It's Illini Tower.

I hear it's full of rich people (Jews). Nothing special really.

Moving on, we have Busey-Evans, an all-female residence hall.

It's nickname is the princess palace because I guess the girls who live there are any of the following:
1. Rich
2. Fat
3. Unattractive
4. Misandrists (That means they don't like boys)
5. Lesbians (That means they like girls, like, LIKE-LIKE them)

I don't really know if this is for sure though. It's hard to get into the palace. I've done it once and it was obvious that girls live there. The carpeting and furniture were clean and it had fancy-pants chandeliers. FYI If you go there to eat on Friday you will have to survive the mass of Asians that flock there for the Oodles dining menu.

Just north of Busey Evans is ISR (Illinois Street Residence Halls)

It is a mix of enginerds, Asians, and generally boring people. It's close to the quad though.

East of ISR and Busey-Evans is Allen Hall.

Allen is home to the living-learning community Unit One and is basically the antipode of Champaign/Fratville/Six Pack. Here you will find starving vegans (because Field of Greens is only open for lunch), "artists," hipsters, homosexuals both flaming and closeted, and other liberally-minded skinny folk (Allen is a big contributor to CRCE's regular patronage). Where else but Allen would someone make something like this?

Behind Allen is the all-female dorm LAR (Lincoln Avenue Residence Halls). Its nickname is the virgin vault and the building resembles a Catholic nursing home/boarding school.

This resemblance is very appropriate though as nuns, boarding school girls, and LAR residents tend to have fully-intact hymens. Like Busey-Evans, the interior is somewhat palatial.

Instead of having sex, play the piano

Lastly, there are FAR and PAR (Florida Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue Residence Halls)

They are the first three buildings starting from the left. I didn't bother to take closer pictures because FAR and PAR are far from everything important on campus and I didn't feel like walking. The neat thing about FAR though is that somehow, a lot of black people live there and that for some reason, Thursday is soul food night. (Hint: Housing kind of dumps minorities, especially blacks, in FAR). If you are black and going to live in a dorm you will probably end up there whether you like it or not. At least there is air conditioning.

I skipped some graduate and private certified dorms because they really aren't that interesting. Whatever. Living in the dorms is really not that bad, but if you do decide to live in them (why?), try to find a roommate who you can tolerate. Otherwise, you might end up with a smelly hippy, a fat enginerd with IBS, or the loser kid who just sits in the room all day. My advice: Get an apartment.

Welcome to My Neighborhood Part 2: The Undergrad

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000-06:00

The Undergraduate Library is directly adjacent to the Main Library, but it is underground, (Get it, undergrad-->underground) so a picture would be boring and pointless. The sign in front of the entrance looks like this though.

The sign has a weird white-ish stain thing on the front which can only be cum. Yeah it's so cum. I base my conclusion on the fact that the Undergrad is a pretty popular hook up place for "men seeking men" on Craigslist, perhaps because it's usually open 24 hours. Take a look and you'll see what I mean. I'm pretty sure it all goes down in the bathroom by Espresso Royale.

By day it's your ordinary public restroom, but by night it's a gay orgy fuck fest, and they don't even wash their hands afterwards.

B.O.

2008-01-30T00:28:00.002-06:00

Tonight at ARC there was a group of Indians doing lateral raises. Lateral raises look like this:

However, this same group of Indians were dispersing noxious fumes of mother fucking Indian B.O., which might actually be the worst kind of B.O. EVER. Every time this one kid lifted his arms all of ARC was inundated with the fucky nasty stench. You could tell it was from them because after they left to do something else the smell lingered, but when they returned it was back in full-force. The smelliest of them kept saying that he wanted to get broader shoulders, probably because he wants some hotties. He had better invest in some deodorant first though because I bet no girl will tolerate his nasty-ass pits. Moral of the story: Indians smell.

Welcome to My Neighborhood Part 1: The Main Library

2008-01-28T14:29:00.001-06:00

Since U of I has the third largest library system of universities in the United States and I have only been to the Math Library, I figured I should go see what's so cool about the Main Library. It looks like this.

There are two sculptures in front. The one on the left is slightly erotic and suggestive while the one on the right seems to be in extreme distress. I call them Lil' Kim and Amy Winehouse, respectively.

Lil' Kim preparing to finger herself

Amy wigging out hardcore

The best experience about going to the library though is the stacks. It's kind of like the library from Ghostbusters 2 except even cooler. In some areas the ceiling is only about six feet high and the aisles have books strewn about them.

There are also random sinks and toilets.

Apparently people sequester themselves within these caged niches.

Tell me this isn't creepy

While exploring the stacks I think I only saw three other humans. What's less expected is that I didn't stumble upon any Craigslist rendezvous, but I guess that type of thing is more Undergraduate Library territory and the focus of the next installment.

ARC vs CRCE

2008-01-23T19:58:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard, IMPE has been renamed ARC (Activities and Recreation Center, pronounced "ark") to "better reflect the functionality of the facility." Basically, the opening of ARC next semester is going to be the coup de grâce to that fucking waste-of-space shit hole that is CRCE. Even during its renovation ARC/IMPE has been kicking CRCE's ass. Let's take a look at what CRCE has to offer...

As you enter CRCE through its fancy-pants automatic doors you think, "Hey this place seems pretty cool!" But then you realize that CRCE is just a big fucking waste of space. It's like fake gold. It might appear impressive from a distance but up close its worthlessness is obvious. First of all, the pool is a "leisure pool," which means that it is for children and old people. It also has a water slide. Yay. Next is the upper level. After passing a bunch of couches and a big screen TV (I thought this was a fitness facility) you will reach the staircase to the upper level. Upon reaching the top, you will see a pathetic assortment of free weight equipment and machines. Behind all of this equipment you will find people waiting for their turn to use them because there is not enough equipment in the facility to prevent long wait times. The experience is kind of like a day at six flags but with more BO. Pretty much the only good thing about CRCE is the track because when everything is in use you can run on the track for a while. Then there are the left overs, aka group fitness, basketball courts, and racquetball courts. However, I don't use them so I can't say anything. CRCE is making me mad, so I'll move on to ARC.

At ARC you basically never have to wait unless you go during peak times at night, and even then you don't have to wait that long. Furthermore, there is a wider selection of equipment to use so you don't have to settle for crap like you do at CRCE. CRCE lovers might argue, "At least CRCE has a pool!" because they really don't have any other ammo. Well it might as well not have a pool because you can't do real swimming in it. When ARC is finished it will have two 50 m pools so suck on that CRCE lovers. Speaking of CRCE people, let's compare CRCE people to ARC people.

CRCE people are predominantly skinny Urbana boys and girls though there are some Greeks there too. One time I overheard a guy, who I assume is in a frat, talking about masturbating. He called it "jerking off." He wasn't really just talking about it though. It was more like he was announcing to everyone that he likes to jerk off and so we had to listen. It's strange because I don't expect to hear stuff like that in Urbana. ARC on the other hand is practically 98% Greek people and I don't think I've heard anyone announce their masturbation habits. However, they do tend to wear shirts that say things like "drunkenhood" and relate stories about which sororstitute they sexed last night to their bros.

P.S. here is a picture I made from 2007.

I Want the Sea

2008-01-17T14:38:00.000-06:00

Chambana's very own Headlights have finally released a song from their upcoming album, "Some Racing, Some Stopping." It's called "Cherry Tulips" and is pretty good, as usual. They are filming a video for it and have made a teaser for y'all.

Hear the song at their myspace or use the link below to download an mp3.
Headlights - Cherry Tulips

24 Hours on Craigslist

2008-01-16T19:29:00.001-06:00

There is a documentary from 2003 about the classifieds website Craigslist (which you are probably familiar with but just in case) called 24 Hours on Craigslist. The film is from 2003 but was not released until 2005 in limited theaters because it's super indie and cool like that. It shows the diversity of Craigslist's users and is basically an interesting perspective on humanity and how the internet has affected social interactions. Essentially, the creators selected posts on Craigslist from a twenty-four hour period and interviewed the posters. Most of the posters are normal ole' joes, some are weird, and a few are fucking creepy. You should see the documentary yourself but in the case that you are too lazy to do so, you should at least see this girl.

She primarily paints erotic scenes and I found them particularly impressive. What is most intriguing though is the irony. Who would expect this polite young woman to paint images of penises?

Here are a couple more

P.S. I know those aren't penises

Shows

2008-01-12T21:43:00.000-06:00

So I compiled a little list of shows, which basically means I pretty much copied the Canopy Club's calendar. This is not a final list as venues could book more acts. Anyhow here is a smattering of what's available as of right now + some comments.

Canopy Club

1/17 Omega Moos
1/18 Ryan Groff
1/22 Sangamon
1/23 Inept
They probably really are inept. And possibly emo/screamo. Yep I just checked their myspace. At least they look super hardcore in that pic.

1/24 World's First Flying Machine
1/25 Zmick
1/26 Down
Obviously metal.

1/31 STS9
I actually might see these guys. I've read they have a "...genre-blending sound [that] is based heavily on Instrumental Rock and Electronic Music crossed with elements of Funk, Jazz, Psychedelic, and Hip Hop."

2/2 Decilbully
Obviously something indie. The sweater(s) give it away.

2/4 Bayside + Straylight Run
Whoa. Scene kids rejoice it's an emo fest.

2/5 Six Organs of Admittance
More indie. They are not great but not that terrible either I suppose.

2/7 56 Hope Road
2/13 Ludo
2/17 Hellyeah
2/27 Drive-By Truckers
2/28 The Avett Brothers
2/29 Girls Next Door
I want to see them because they are dressed like they want to be in the Fragile Army (Polyphonic Spree anyone?)

3/6 Headlights

3/22 British Sea Power
4/12 Lucky Boys Confusion
7/18 - 7/20 Central Illinois Metalfest
(How glad am I that I don't live in Chambana over the Summer? Answer: Very)

Ilini Union Courtyard Cafe
1/18 Arthur Lee Land - Live Looping Clinic and Performance
1/26 Mustard Plug / The Drastics / Alleyway Sex
2/9 Maritime / Inspector Owl
3/1 Deal's Gone Bad

4/10 Caribou

In Chicago during Spring Break

3/15 Xiu Xiu at Reggie's
3/15 The Magnetic Fields at Old Town School of Folk Music
3/16 The Magnetic Fields at Old Town School of Folk Music
3/17 Simian Mobile Disco at Sonotheque
3/17 Jose Gonzalez at the Lakeshore Theater
3/18 CocoRosie at the Metro
3/18 The Raveonettes at the Double Door

3/20 Justice at the Riviera Theatre

3/21 Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks at the Vic Theatre
3/21 Avril Lavigne....
3/22 Black Mountain at the Empty Bottle
Then a whole bunch of shows you will miss because you live in Chambana

My Best of '07

2008-01-10T22:09:00.002-06:00

Here is my list of the best albums of '07. I don't have any sophisticated reasoning, I just know what sounds good. It's a special talent of mine. Comments would be sweet.

10. "Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?" by Of Montreal

Who doesn't love some dark electronic songs you can dance to?

9. "Mirrored" by Battles

Gotta love Battles

8. "Tears of the Valedictorian" by Frog Eyes

It's Frog Eyes with all of Carey Mercer's crazy howling + crazy goodness + bells.

7. "Friend Opportunity" by Deerhoof

Noise pop y'all. I don't know what's going on here but it's awesome.

6. "Neon Bible" by Arcade Fire

I wish I could make this #1. I really do. Hopefully their next Album will be as great as Funeral. In the meantime, let's hate on America okay? Sweet. Unless, wait... you like the US? Well that's your opinion I guess...

5. "†" by Justice

D.A.N.C.E.
Need I say more?

4. "Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga" by Spoon

Who doesn't like Spoon? If you like rock you like Spoon.

3. "Random Spirit Lover" by Sunset Rubdown

More crazy howling and crazy goodness by another Wolf Parade member.

2. "Sound of Silver" by LCD Soundsystem

You have to love this album. Seriously. All the cool kids like it, 4 realz.

1. "Strawberry Jam" by Animal Collective

Discordant yet melodic, it's the most accessible Animal Collective album ever and you will still think it's too fucking weird. Oh well I tried.

P.S.
In the near future I'm going to make a list of shows to see this Spring.

P.P.S.
School starts again soon

The Dolls

2008-01-06T20:28:00.000-06:00

One of the perks of being home is that I am pretty close to Chicago and therefore pretty close to many musical artists I could never see in Chambana. Last night I saw the Dresden Dolls at the Vic Theatre. The Vic is kind of like the Chicago House of Blues except that it's not in the loop, it's a little smaller, it's not a big chain type of place (the HOB advertises merchandise in between acts) and it's security/employees aren't bitch-faced whorebags. Instead the Vic is located almost right next to the Belmont cta stop, it's size is not too big or too small, and their security didn't wave metal-detecting wands about my limbs. If the fire-crotch security girl? from the HOB is reading this then you and your man voice can scissor your girlfriend in an alley. Speaking of lesbians, there were quite a few at the show last night. I knew the Dresden Dolls are rather exotic and somewhat dadaist and therefore have collected many homosexual fans, but I did not expect to see so many lesbians. I have nothing against lesbians, unless of course you are the kind of lesbian who has red hair and works security at the Chicago HOB. Anyhow, this was a great show.
Two women who perform under the name Gravity Plays Favorites opened first. They dressed in risqué 1920's-1930's styled outfits and did a nice little pole dance for the audience.

After Gravity Plays Favorites finished, a band from Washington called Two Ton Boa played. I didn't take any pictures of them though because they were not that great. Any Two Ton Boa fans reading this should keep their comments to Two Ton Boa's myspace; I don't care what you have to say. After Two Ton whatever finished, Amanda P. (keyboardist of the Dresden Dolls) came out on stage and told us she had some special acts planned before she and Brian V. (Amanda's drum playing counterpart) would begin. These included a girl/fan (like a fangirl) of the Dolls who performed a little acoustic diddy about Amanda. It sounded really generic and boring and kind of like this girl was stalking Amanda. After guitar girl finished this group of local dancers/actors did this very weird/bizarre performance to Britney Spears' song Toxic. It was really gay and really weird and just neat.

Finally, Amanda and Brian entered and rocked the fuck out. They played some favorites like Coin-Operated Boy, Girl Anachronism, and Missed Me, along with some rare "new" unreleased songs like The Gardener and Night at the Roses that I heard two years ago because I have the power of the internets. Here are some pics of the Dolls rocking out.
For the encore Brian was nice enough to invite the audience up on stage. I would have obliged but all the lesbians beat me and there really wasn't any room left.
That was okay with me though because the lesbians were kind of funny, especially this one that pointed to another girl's ass region and extended her tongue as if to say, "Hell yeah I'd tap that." Oh lesbians. You never know what they'll do next.
Want a free mp3? Sure you do.
Sex Changes from Yes, Virginia
If you like that you should buy a CD

Jetman Y'all

2007-12-18T13:12:00.004-06:00

Maybe you've heard of this thing called facebook. It's pretty addicting all on its own but the addition of applications has made it life-consuming. For example, the application/game Jetman bills itself as the most addicting game on facebook, and it's absolutely true. Jetman is like that lame helicopter game but much harder and with more characters. Players fly through this cave and guide their Jetman past obstacles. Why is Jetman in a cave? Because he's badass that's why. Don't question his motives. Anyhow, another feature of Jetman that makes it superior is the ability to select different characters. There is something for everyone.
For vegans/vegetarians/animal lovers there is the banana/yellow dolphin

For alcoholics there is the beer bottle

For Halo geeks there is that guy from Halo

For Asians there is the karate guy

The beloved Mario

and my personal favorite the streaker

By far the best aspects of Jetman though are the scoreboard and the ability to challenge your friends. If you are a real Jetmaster though you will buy the various merch they have for sale and show it off at all the awesome parties you attend.

If I have any qualm with Jetman it is that sometimes he is fucking ridiculous. If he incurs the slightest of injuries it's game over.